September 13, 2012 Exhaustion leads to tears...

13th September 2012

Exhaustion leads to tears…

By show of hands, how many of you have broken down or even teared up and admitted to the people that witnessed this brief episode, “I’m just tired”.  That’s my go to line for anytime the tears start prickling.  I’m so freakin exhausted, like I’ve got a new baby at my house and have to get up 2-3 times in the night to feed it.  I don’t my babies are 10 and 7 and sleep all night.  But last night that’s how I slept with one eye closed while I prayed 1 John 5:14-15.  I would lay my hand on Trevor’s arm or back or thigh or whatever I could touch and pray silently claiming God’s promises of hearing my prayers and He would hear me and He would grant my request.  Kinda like rubbing a genie’s lantern…poof, my man’s cancer is gone and he has a grown man appetite!  Wrong…I’m so learning to wait on God’s timing and the funny thing is He’s generally waiting for me to follow through too!

So as I get up to start my day, I’m exhausted and I can feel the tears right behind my tired eyelids but I’ve got things to do and work to go to to love on some babies!  It isn’t convenient to feel that prick of tears while talking to the 2nd grade teacher about why I forgot to write a note about who princess is riding home with.  Or while the sweetest, Godliest and most sincere woman is promising prayers all day.  But let’s be for real when is it really convenient to go into that snot running, ugly face cry?  There isn’t enough eye cream to stop the puffiness or Excedrin to dull the headache that follows.  So when we break down in front of the sweetest parents and teachers at Mother’s Day Out, we chalk it up to “I’m so tired”.  Or when you come home to check on your husband in the bed fighting his battle with nausea and you start tearing up, “I’m just tired”.  Nothing makes a man feel better when there is nothing he can physically or emotionally do to make his bride stop crying, and I don’t think he’s ever used the “I’m so tired” excuse.

But if I’m honest, if I ever let myself totally breakdown because my husband is 4 days closer to being cancer free but he’s so miserably nauseaus, my eyes will be swollen shut tomorrow and I won’t ever get to sleep because snot will be running down the back of my throat until I about drown in it!  As I’m putting my babies to bed tonight my wise 10 year old son says…”cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you mom, that’s in 1 Peter 5:7.  The Bible says so”…

I’m so exhausted because I’m caught up in not being able to make my husband better…let’s all keep in mind I have a B.S. in PE/Sports Management and Outdoor Recreation.  I think I’ll leave it up to the professionals who have advised me well on keeping him ahead of his nausea and the professionals whose training is cancer treatment and the God that knows every hair on the head of the man that He prepared for me.

By the way in reference to “we”, I mean me but if there are any Amen’s I would love to know that I’m not the only one trying to do everthing myself!