I had started a new post and didn't finish it so I saved it, only now I can't find it so I'm starting over and have no idea what the other post was about...

So here we are, 11 more days of radiation and 2 more chemo treatments.  Trevor's platelets and white blood counts were higher than last week so he got both drugs.  Where as, last week his platelets were very low and only the Erbitux was administered because the Cysplatin is very hard on the kidneys.  With a low platelet and white blood cell count, the doctor didn't want to stress his kidneys anymore than they were already.  He also gained 2 pounds last week...woo-hoo!  This week he has maintained his weight with no loss or gain.

"They" said that weeks four and five were probably going to be the hardest to handle physically and emotionally.  So here WE are on the back side of week 5 and I have to say that this whole experience has been hard and I guess you could say I came to a head earlier this week, right in the middle of weeks of 4-5..."They" said that swallowing would be difficult, and that has happened, Trevor can swallow nothing at this point because of the thickening of the lining of his tongue, mouth and throat.  I looked the word up that the doctor used and it said that this occurrence was normal.  It is caused by the lining of his mouth and throat regenerating.  New lining growing underneath the old but hasn't started sloughing off yet.  He said that last week his tongue sloughed off...SOOOOoooooo....that said with the thickening of his lining he has an exaggerated gag reflex.  If he clears his throat, he gags; if he gags with food on his belly, well there ya go, he's thrown up.  To ensure the lining keeps sloughing, he rinses his mouth out A LOT with baking soda and salt water.  We should have bought stock in Arm & Hammer.

He says he isn't in a great deal of pain, especially compared to getting his tonsils out or even last week.  Over the weekend, he laid around more than what his body is used to and started getting leg cramps.  When his legs start cramping he's generally up all night trying to stretch it out.  When he's up stretching all night, he gets no sleep.  I believe in sleep, a firm believer! 

After chemo Tuesday when he got Adivan, which is a great anti-medic but it also knocks Trevor off his butt and he slept a good 2 and half hours, my attitude was sour and my hormones were raging.  I have felt helpless.  So many people want to help us out any way they can but what some don't understand is that I'm in that same boat.  I want to do anything I can to make this experience better.  To make his cancer go away, to ease his discomfort but there is NOTHING I can do.  He doesn't need me to do anything.  When I try to help him or try to anticipate his needs, I don't do it the way that he wants or he doesn't want/need me to do anything.  I felt like I was walking on egg shells and I couldn't figure out why.  I haven't been sleeping very well and neither has he so we've kinda been buggin'.  I'm trying to be honest and sensitive and I can't seem to do both.  I sometimes feel like he doesn't need me, at all.  If he doesn't need me to help him through this cancer thing, what does he need me for at all?!  Need and want are two different things.  I love this man so much it makes me angry when I can't make him happy at all during this entire process from tonsillectomy to 7 weeks of chemo/radiation.  I tried talking to him about it, but of course my hormones get in the way and I went off on a freakin' rant!

My husband has cancer.  He's fighting this disease physically and emotionally but his family is also fighting this disease.  It isn't attacking us physically but it's attacking our relationships and how we communicate, if we communicate with each other at all.  He has no physical voice left and says that he will tell me if he needs me to do anything...UMMmmm, no he won't!  I know this because from what some near and dear tell me, I'm kinda that way too.  I don't think I'm proud, well not on that level, but if I DON'T do it or make the effort to try to do it, it'll become an emotional battle that I may lose. 

The bottom line is I'm a whack.  I'm holding it together because of lots and lots of prayers, I mean LOTS of prayers!  My husband is doing better than what his doctors expected.  I think he's doing better than what "They" said he would do at this stage of the game.  He is very tired and often feels wiped out but again, "They" said this would happen.  The chemo/radiation is cumulative so it'll all add up in 11 days.  He may still be wiped out for a week or 3 when these treatments are over.  So over the next month I/we will need lots intercessional prayer.  I will have to make a deliberate effort to keep my hormones in my back pocket and keep my tongue in my mouth.  If it isn't edifying and uplifting for the ones that hear it, it doesn't need to be said...I believe our dear New Testament friend, James refers to keeping my tongue in check.  It is as sharp as a sword and has the ability to make or break a person and a relationship.  I guess that'll be my devotion tonight...

Thanks for your prayers, thanks for your encouraging words.  I ask that you do keep my family, especially my children and my man in your prayers.  We all have to have our flu shots.  The babies got theirs this week and Eli was sent home today with a fever...He and Neely have been sequestered upstairs.  Tomorrow Eli and I will have pajama day all day while Neely is at school taking her end of week tests.  Please pray that this flu vaccine hangover doesn't affect Neely and that Eli is now over his. 

I'm in such a tired stupor tonight I have no scripture only petitions for lots more prayers for my family...my next post, I will try to add some Harchfield Humor...love me some Harchfield's!

Petitioning you for more prayers to carry my family over the next 11 days-angi